3/15/2013

The boys are as crazy as ever.  Growing and both in school.  Connor is in 2nd grade and Casey is in Kindergarten.  Connor is struggling in school with his attitude and not being very cooperative.  In a way Connor's behavior is a God send because Jeff and I are finally working on getting on the same page and are going to parenting classes to help us and build us up as parents.  Casey is doing extremely well but he has times of "being a little too much" in school.  He is a very "Notice Me" kind of guy, but apparently the kids are noticing because it seems the whole school knows him.  Other than that we are keeping busy with Boot Camp Monday and Wednesday, soon to start Upward Soccer on Tuesdays and Saturdays, homework, and all the other joys of life (work, housework, dinner, etc..).  Considering I am the writer and maker of this blog, I get to rant about my growth and my kids or husband if something really needs to be shared.  I, myself, have been on a personal journey for quite a few years and this is how far I have come.  I have lost over 50 lbs, if you count going up and down, and have gone from a size 18 pants to a size 6 pants (depending on the brand).  Although, outwardly it is a huge transformation and inwardly God has been moving things in my heart too.  Through my weight loss journey God showed me that I was meant to be in motion.  I am an athlete and being an athlete brings great confidence and joy in my life.  That is one of the transformations that God gave me as a wonderful blessing.  The harder blessing God gave me was knocking me down so I could see what I was doing to myself and others in my life.  Over the few years God has been opening scars from my past that disfigured me and held me from becoming the person God intended me to be.  I learned some pretty important things.  One thing that was like a light in a dark cave was that I kept a secret, a very scary and traumatic secrete, from my parents when I was 8 years old until I was 16.  A child was never meant to be kept silent unable to find comfort.  I was too scared and to ashamed.  Goodness, no wonder all these years I felt insignificant, even in God's eyes.  Funny thing is this realization didn't come until after I went to a women's conference where the feeling of insignificance, loneliness finally hit the fan in such a way that I truly for the first time cried out to God.  My heart felt like it finally broke open or maybe was finally released from the shackles that held or guarded it for so long.  For the first time I truly felt God's love.  Of course, I am one of those stubborn Christians that have to learn things the hard way, so God spoke to me (well Positive Life Radio literally).  It said, "How can you trust God when you do not know his love".  Wow, and that was only the start.  God needed to convince me further.  It came a little later during small group.  Our worship went a little longer, Richard the leader, broke off the usual music and started singing a song about God's love and how he desired to have you feel his love for you. Well it felt as if every word was actually Angela, don't you know how special you are and how much I desire for you to feel the love I have for you?  Not to long after, a friend told me how she was raped in college.  Through that moment, God showed me a scared little 8 year old.  To ashamed to share, to scared to tell her struggling parents.  God showed me that he was there just waiting for me to tell him.  He freed me of that bondage.  I have value, I am significant.    Now if you thought that was big, well as children of God, that was only the beginning.  I wanted to be a Christian, no not the church goer, the one that spews Christ by the way she lives.  Someone who is a light in the darkness, a loving and obedient disciple.  So, recently God showed me a picture of myself, ouch.  I am very analytical.  I come across as a know-it-all, not because I am trying to be boastful but I love (ok REALLY LOVE) to share my knowledge, especially if you agree, LOL. I share to help.  Ohh and another thing, I am extremely hard on myself.  So when I give advice or tell people things they are with the same expectation I put upon myself.  So, as you can see, my heart is in the right place but until now I did not realize I was a porcupine, someone with a lot of good points but no one wants to be around.  I thank God so much for guiding Donna Paltrow in making devotionals, she is God's vessel in transforming my life.  My newest Devotion, "Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture" by her is taking me to the next transformation.  Here is the insight:  You might be a porcupine if you give advice but no one comes to you for advice.  So convicted.  Right before this lovely insight, I was listening to Positive Life radio and two songs hit my heart deeply.  Losing by Tenth Avenue West and Proof of Your Love by Kings and Country.  These songs are what set the tone of the transformation that was happening during this devotion.  At that time I was struggling with the fact my brother was pretty much acting like I didn't exist.  He announced to my mom they were expecting and now I got the privilege of grieving the fact I will have another niece/nephew I will never know.  I, also, porcupined another friend who was filing for a divorce and didn't really know the impact of my words.  Yes, perhaps there was a reason for these distances.  Perhaps, there was a reason I felt more alone then I should.  Was I pushing people away?  Where was my heart when I was speaking words about God?  Why did I, an obedient Christian, feel like I was the one losing?  God was going to answer that really soon, well part of it was sort of answered with my porcupine ways.  No God had another awesome point to share through Donna.  Yes the chapter, How on Earth Am I Supposed to Find Time For God. Now you may be thinking I need to get rid of stuff, make time for God as the answer right?  Well there a few things I should give up, but that is a different story and not quite initiated yet.  What I got out of that chapter was totally unexpected.  It was about struggles, not in the way that God makes you stronger.  Sometimes God gives Satan a foot hold in our life because, well, we can be extremely stubborn.  He (God) would like for us to sit on his lap and teach us things in a loving way but sometimes we just don't get it.  These are the things that kept resurfacing, that I continued to struggle over, over and over again.  God opened my eyes again.  Not having a large family, well especially a daughter, has hit my heart in such a way, that at times, feels crushing.  It is a long story, but anyways; it freaking hurts not to have a daughter.  So what did God reveal to me?  Are you ready? He revealed that he wasn't punishing me for every mistake I made as a parent, for not being good enough.  There are a few words that kill your heart, but are said supposedly to put things into perspective or in good intentions to soothe.  These words are (well there are others but these were the sharpest daggers), "God gives you only what you can handle".  So, essentially to the world, I could barely handle the two boys I have.  Yes, God wasn't giving me more then I can handle.  Actually, God showed me that exact thing.  Wow, but not because I was a bad mom or the most hectic person in the world but because I was trying to control my life and those who where in my life.  Ohh, when you are trying to fix everyone around you, yeah you don't have enough energy to deal with your own life.  All these struggles I kept battling over and over again was actually brought on by me, me not relaxing and realizing who really was in control.  Nice!  So here is to finding peace.  Finding peace in the Prince of Peace.  Only through God can you truly find peace.  

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Alright, Kadie!  I think God was prompting your heart because I think I needed to write this blog.  I needed it written so I can be accountable to this transformation.  Also, just for you Kadie, old dogs can learn new tricks!! LOL!

What a ride!

It is has been a while since I have been on here. A lot of things have happened. The boys are doing really well. Connor is in first grade and his teacher Mrs. Allen is excited to see how much our Connor is progressing. He is reading, actually is at the top of his class for the reading can. He is finishing about 2 books a week for the accelerated reading program. Can't believe this young precious pup who had hearing problems is doing excellent in reading. However, there is still a little concern about how he hears letters or vowels. In all, he is doing just wonderful. Casey is in preschool and he is writing already. He knows all his alphabet and recognizes numbers up to 20. We are working on knowing the sounds of the letters but are excited to see him mature and move along in his education.
I have been going through a huge transition. I decided this year to be a DGL for MOPS and boy has this been a ride. I came in a little scared about whether or not these girls would like me or enjoy being at my table. The first meeting, two of my girls left my table and I felt very vulnerable. I know it wasn't about me and I know that in the beginning girls come and go depending where their friends are. However, so far in this journey, I have realized it is not what I am doing for them but what they are doing for me. They are amazing! I thought I was going to make a difference and went in with a servant's heart but they are the ones making a difference in my life.
I am excited that Jeff is finally on board about wanting another child. We tried our first IUI this October. We went in expecting that this was going to be it. We went in and everything went smoothly, except getting there. Our appointment got moved back a hour because the ferry was 1/2 hour late because its driver failed to show, crazy. Anyways, waiting the two weeks was grueling. Funny thing is there are a lot of sites you can go to wait it out with others. I was so excited and couldn't wait. I have gone on this roller-coaster quite a few times the last 4 years of trying. I began to spot and then it would disappear. However on the second day it got heavier. You would think after 4 years that grieving would get easier but this time it came with a heavier blow. It was almost too much to bear. I know many people feel like saying it is God's will or it is meant to be be is a way to console, but those words are like icicles to one's heart. I don't think anyone wants to be chosen to be the one who does not get to see their dreams, their hearts desires destroyed because it is meant to be, it is God's will. Feels more like punishment, like you aren't good enough or maybe you can't handle it. Definitely not soothing. I know those are lies but the fact is it isn't going to happen. At least not on my terms. I have been really looking into my heart and wanting to know what does believing in Jesus really entail. Is it just believing that he exists? I am being asked to trust in him, to walk on the water knowing he will not let me drown. To know God so intimately that because he loves me he has the best plans laid out for me. I am not to fear what I do not have but to rejoice that he is in control. I don't think it is about believing, I believe it is about living in his word and walking in that truth. That shows your trust your true belief in him in all things. So I stopped my little pity party and said ok God you did not put that desire in my heart for nothing so I will abide by your love and wait for you to move me. Of course, I am a lot like most women who have gone through the infertility limbo with each announced pregnancy and child it is a bittersweet kiss of what I may never have. So here I am back on the crazy ride of life abiding in God's love and taking in each day, one by one.

I see God's purpose in all of this, although it took a little prodding by our marriage counselor to see it. For the first time in almost 3 years I went into the session saying how Jeff stepped up and took care of the kids when I was grieving (usually it is to complain about him) and Jeff said how much it hurt to see me suffering and how he wanted the child too. He is even considering respite care to fill that void and to get an idea if we could handle fostering. God is changing our hearts and in doing so is strengthening our marriage and family. Thank you Lord for taking this horrible heart wrenching struggle and using it to build in us a bond that will bind us together forever. Amen.

July 9, 2010

As you can see I still am not so good at this. It is a wonderful summer day, about 100 degrees. Nice and Toasty! The boys are enjoying having their friend Araya over. They played in the pool and had a wonderful time. They all went down, surprisingly fairly easily, for a nap. Having this free time I thought, heck, I will work on this blog. I realized I am not as computer illiterate as I thought and getting posts the way I want may be a bit tricky. It will be a work in progress, to bad that the great guru, a.k.a. Kadie didn't live closer.... also it would be cool if I get get someone to just write down my thoughts or do all the work for me. Hmm, possibly my house too. I am thinking that these posts may expand beyond family and unto our spiritual walk as well. As a Christian, or trying to be, it is always a walk in faith. It is hard to be a great role model and parent to my children and we are hoping to bring our children up know and loving God and hopefully not creating druggers, children who are drug to church but do not know God in their everyday life. As I am walking in my faith I realize I have a lot to learn about people and a lot more to learn about loving people as they are. Dwelling in the great book it is easy to see how much I fall short and how much of a journey there is going to be. I pray that I have strength to continue and not to lose hope when people come in and out of my life. Thought of the day: If you want to live in unhappiness compare your life to others and miss the beauty and wonder of your own.

March 11, 2009

Ok, I suck at blogging. Who has time for this anyhow, and people with kids? Anyways, each day is a step forward, more like a sleeping zombie kind of step. I am getting tired of working full time and maintaining a clean house so that my babysitter does not know what I am really like. Jeff and I are still doing marriage counseling, just wish I could see some immediate changes :(! I often get a little depressed because everything feels like it is a struggle. We have been trying to concieve for over nine months and nothing. We struggle with every aspect of our marriage and with parenting. Financially, we are struggling to put every extra penny and dime toward paying off our debt. Then to tops things off Casey went back into the hospital, thank God for only a week. My grandma is in the hospital with a blood clot to both lungs and in her leg. Life is such a challenge, and it is so fustrating. Anyhow, the boys are doing well. Connor had his first soccer practice and absolutely loved it. It was so cold though, Casey was so miserable. Hopefully, if I am stuck with Casey it will be a lot warmer. Well it is almost 8:40 and I sound like an old fart but I am extremely tired and am excited about hitting the hay.

February 9,2009

Hello,
Today seemed to go so quickly... too quickly. How I am dreading going back to work.... Some how, some time, I will finally get to stay at home with my kids, pray soon. The boys played real well today while I did some errands for dad. The stinking gas company is a pain to deal with if you don't have a bill in front of you. Anyway, the boys struggled to go down for a nap and Casey did not go down until almost 1 pm. Connor never really did take a nap. Connor taught Casey to say why, lovely. The boys got to go outside and play for a little bit outside, although it was still pretty cold. That did not get to play for too long since they kept getting into the rocks and dad is going to be mad when he sees what they did. They came inside and Casey was extremely upset about that. They had dinner and Connor informed me that he does not like the potatoes and that he should have to only eat the things that are his favorite. I laughed and said if you want anything else to eat everything has to be eaten on his plate. Needless to say, he did not getting anything else to eat for the night. They got a bath, in which Casey splashes horribly. He managed to get water up the side of my wall, so their bath was cut a little short. I read them a couple of stories, Casey only like the Little Engine That Could. Which gave me and Connor some quite time with his bible. Soon after they went to bed. Connor of course fell asleep within seconds. The little monkey on the other hand, is still up talking to himself. I imagine he well be asleep in the next hour, but not after getting out of his bed a couple of more times. Sneaky little man. Anyways, going to fold more laundry and watch heroes and chuck. Then off to bed and then to work. Please pray soon I can be a stay at home mom, it is really starting to wear at me! Take care and healthy wishes to all.

February 8, 2009

Hello,
Just started this blog. Thought I may could write my daily journals here for my boys, since I suck at their baby books. We had an interesting day today, since mom was sick with a sinus infection and dad was gone helping James a big part of the day. Casey was exceptionally clingy to Connor because he just loves to poke at Connor because how dare he touch him. Of course, Connor did not like that and complained of "he is touching me". Mom tried potty training Casey today, but he was not too interested. He however, got extremely mad about going back to a diaper after being in a training diaper. Both of the boys ate a lot of fruit, they could not get enough of it! So to help their poor little bodies mom distracted them with other food. Mom went nuts today and filled up almost 4 trash bags of toys. The boys were not cleaning after themselves, and Jeff was being cantankerous about helping with the housework, so just shoving everything in a bag was more practical. Connor was very hurt about seeing his precious toys going away. Mom informed him that for every week he continues to pick up his toys he gets to take back a bag of toys. We will see how this works:)! Anyways, enough on this blog. Mom is tired and I am going to bed... Night to you all!