It is has been a while since I have been on here. A lot of things have happened. The boys are doing really well. Connor is in first grade and his teacher Mrs. Allen is excited to see how much our Connor is progressing. He is reading, actually is at the top of his class for the reading can. He is finishing about 2 books a week for the accelerated reading program. Can't believe this young precious pup who had hearing problems is doing excellent in reading. However, there is still a little concern about how he hears letters or vowels. In all, he is doing just wonderful. Casey is in preschool and he is writing already. He knows all his alphabet and recognizes numbers up to 20. We are working on knowing the sounds of the letters but are excited to see him mature and move along in his education.
I have been going through a huge transition. I decided this year to be a DGL for MOPS and boy has this been a ride. I came in a little scared about whether or not these girls would like me or enjoy being at my table. The first meeting, two of my girls left my table and I felt very vulnerable. I know it wasn't about me and I know that in the beginning girls come and go depending where their friends are. However, so far in this journey, I have realized it is not what I am doing for them but what they are doing for me. They are amazing! I thought I was going to make a difference and went in with a servant's heart but they are the ones making a difference in my life.
I am excited that Jeff is finally on board about wanting another child. We tried our first IUI this October. We went in expecting that this was going to be it. We went in and everything went smoothly, except getting there. Our appointment got moved back a hour because the ferry was 1/2 hour late because its driver failed to show, crazy. Anyways, waiting the two weeks was grueling. Funny thing is there are a lot of sites you can go to wait it out with others. I was so excited and couldn't wait. I have gone on this roller-coaster quite a few times the last 4 years of trying. I began to spot and then it would disappear. However on the second day it got heavier. You would think after 4 years that grieving would get easier but this time it came with a heavier blow. It was almost too much to bear. I know many people feel like saying it is God's will or it is meant to be be is a way to console, but those words are like icicles to one's heart. I don't think anyone wants to be chosen to be the one who does not get to see their dreams, their hearts desires destroyed because it is meant to be, it is God's will. Feels more like punishment, like you aren't good enough or maybe you can't handle it. Definitely not soothing. I know those are lies but the fact is it isn't going to happen. At least not on my terms. I have been really looking into my heart and wanting to know what does believing in Jesus really entail. Is it just believing that he exists? I am being asked to trust in him, to walk on the water knowing he will not let me drown. To know God so intimately that because he loves me he has the best plans laid out for me. I am not to fear what I do not have but to rejoice that he is in control. I don't think it is about believing, I believe it is about living in his word and walking in that truth. That shows your trust your true belief in him in all things. So I stopped my little pity party and said ok God you did not put that desire in my heart for nothing so I will abide by your love and wait for you to move me. Of course, I am a lot like most women who have gone through the infertility limbo with each announced pregnancy and child it is a bittersweet kiss of what I may never have. So here I am back on the crazy ride of life abiding in God's love and taking in each day, one by one.
I see God's purpose in all of this, although it took a little prodding by our marriage counselor to see it. For the first time in almost 3 years I went into the session saying how Jeff stepped up and took care of the kids when I was grieving (usually it is to complain about him) and Jeff said how much it hurt to see me suffering and how he wanted the child too. He is even considering respite care to fill that void and to get an idea if we could handle fostering. God is changing our hearts and in doing so is strengthening our marriage and family. Thank you Lord for taking this horrible heart wrenching struggle and using it to build in us a bond that will bind us together forever. Amen.
