3/15/2013

The boys are as crazy as ever.  Growing and both in school.  Connor is in 2nd grade and Casey is in Kindergarten.  Connor is struggling in school with his attitude and not being very cooperative.  In a way Connor's behavior is a God send because Jeff and I are finally working on getting on the same page and are going to parenting classes to help us and build us up as parents.  Casey is doing extremely well but he has times of "being a little too much" in school.  He is a very "Notice Me" kind of guy, but apparently the kids are noticing because it seems the whole school knows him.  Other than that we are keeping busy with Boot Camp Monday and Wednesday, soon to start Upward Soccer on Tuesdays and Saturdays, homework, and all the other joys of life (work, housework, dinner, etc..).  Considering I am the writer and maker of this blog, I get to rant about my growth and my kids or husband if something really needs to be shared.  I, myself, have been on a personal journey for quite a few years and this is how far I have come.  I have lost over 50 lbs, if you count going up and down, and have gone from a size 18 pants to a size 6 pants (depending on the brand).  Although, outwardly it is a huge transformation and inwardly God has been moving things in my heart too.  Through my weight loss journey God showed me that I was meant to be in motion.  I am an athlete and being an athlete brings great confidence and joy in my life.  That is one of the transformations that God gave me as a wonderful blessing.  The harder blessing God gave me was knocking me down so I could see what I was doing to myself and others in my life.  Over the few years God has been opening scars from my past that disfigured me and held me from becoming the person God intended me to be.  I learned some pretty important things.  One thing that was like a light in a dark cave was that I kept a secret, a very scary and traumatic secrete, from my parents when I was 8 years old until I was 16.  A child was never meant to be kept silent unable to find comfort.  I was too scared and to ashamed.  Goodness, no wonder all these years I felt insignificant, even in God's eyes.  Funny thing is this realization didn't come until after I went to a women's conference where the feeling of insignificance, loneliness finally hit the fan in such a way that I truly for the first time cried out to God.  My heart felt like it finally broke open or maybe was finally released from the shackles that held or guarded it for so long.  For the first time I truly felt God's love.  Of course, I am one of those stubborn Christians that have to learn things the hard way, so God spoke to me (well Positive Life Radio literally).  It said, "How can you trust God when you do not know his love".  Wow, and that was only the start.  God needed to convince me further.  It came a little later during small group.  Our worship went a little longer, Richard the leader, broke off the usual music and started singing a song about God's love and how he desired to have you feel his love for you. Well it felt as if every word was actually Angela, don't you know how special you are and how much I desire for you to feel the love I have for you?  Not to long after, a friend told me how she was raped in college.  Through that moment, God showed me a scared little 8 year old.  To ashamed to share, to scared to tell her struggling parents.  God showed me that he was there just waiting for me to tell him.  He freed me of that bondage.  I have value, I am significant.    Now if you thought that was big, well as children of God, that was only the beginning.  I wanted to be a Christian, no not the church goer, the one that spews Christ by the way she lives.  Someone who is a light in the darkness, a loving and obedient disciple.  So, recently God showed me a picture of myself, ouch.  I am very analytical.  I come across as a know-it-all, not because I am trying to be boastful but I love (ok REALLY LOVE) to share my knowledge, especially if you agree, LOL. I share to help.  Ohh and another thing, I am extremely hard on myself.  So when I give advice or tell people things they are with the same expectation I put upon myself.  So, as you can see, my heart is in the right place but until now I did not realize I was a porcupine, someone with a lot of good points but no one wants to be around.  I thank God so much for guiding Donna Paltrow in making devotionals, she is God's vessel in transforming my life.  My newest Devotion, "Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture" by her is taking me to the next transformation.  Here is the insight:  You might be a porcupine if you give advice but no one comes to you for advice.  So convicted.  Right before this lovely insight, I was listening to Positive Life radio and two songs hit my heart deeply.  Losing by Tenth Avenue West and Proof of Your Love by Kings and Country.  These songs are what set the tone of the transformation that was happening during this devotion.  At that time I was struggling with the fact my brother was pretty much acting like I didn't exist.  He announced to my mom they were expecting and now I got the privilege of grieving the fact I will have another niece/nephew I will never know.  I, also, porcupined another friend who was filing for a divorce and didn't really know the impact of my words.  Yes, perhaps there was a reason for these distances.  Perhaps, there was a reason I felt more alone then I should.  Was I pushing people away?  Where was my heart when I was speaking words about God?  Why did I, an obedient Christian, feel like I was the one losing?  God was going to answer that really soon, well part of it was sort of answered with my porcupine ways.  No God had another awesome point to share through Donna.  Yes the chapter, How on Earth Am I Supposed to Find Time For God. Now you may be thinking I need to get rid of stuff, make time for God as the answer right?  Well there a few things I should give up, but that is a different story and not quite initiated yet.  What I got out of that chapter was totally unexpected.  It was about struggles, not in the way that God makes you stronger.  Sometimes God gives Satan a foot hold in our life because, well, we can be extremely stubborn.  He (God) would like for us to sit on his lap and teach us things in a loving way but sometimes we just don't get it.  These are the things that kept resurfacing, that I continued to struggle over, over and over again.  God opened my eyes again.  Not having a large family, well especially a daughter, has hit my heart in such a way, that at times, feels crushing.  It is a long story, but anyways; it freaking hurts not to have a daughter.  So what did God reveal to me?  Are you ready? He revealed that he wasn't punishing me for every mistake I made as a parent, for not being good enough.  There are a few words that kill your heart, but are said supposedly to put things into perspective or in good intentions to soothe.  These words are (well there are others but these were the sharpest daggers), "God gives you only what you can handle".  So, essentially to the world, I could barely handle the two boys I have.  Yes, God wasn't giving me more then I can handle.  Actually, God showed me that exact thing.  Wow, but not because I was a bad mom or the most hectic person in the world but because I was trying to control my life and those who where in my life.  Ohh, when you are trying to fix everyone around you, yeah you don't have enough energy to deal with your own life.  All these struggles I kept battling over and over again was actually brought on by me, me not relaxing and realizing who really was in control.  Nice!  So here is to finding peace.  Finding peace in the Prince of Peace.  Only through God can you truly find peace.  

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Alright, Kadie!  I think God was prompting your heart because I think I needed to write this blog.  I needed it written so I can be accountable to this transformation.  Also, just for you Kadie, old dogs can learn new tricks!! LOL!